love it or loathe it.......OR.....love me or loathe me?!

I read this statement in the blog of an American living in Rome: “Rome has this effect on some people, it just draws you in and never lets you go.” How true, how true. I don’t know precisely why, but for those of us who seem to be affected by Rome, we are really affected. It’s not just me; it’s actually quite a prevalent phenomenon. Rome seems to be one of those love it or hate it kind of places, with not much room left in between. Oddly enough, this is something I can relate to. I’m fairly sure that I’m a person who is either loved or loathed, with not much in between. I don’t think many people say about me: She’s alright, I could take her or leave her. Nope, it’s more like one of the following: She’s such a bitch; I can’t stand her or She’s amazing; I love her. I kind of like this about myself; it probably means I’m not a boring person. Controversial, yes. Mundane and boring, no.

Because I’ve been feeling lonely for Rome, I’ve been spending time re-reading things that I wrote while there. It’s making me nostalgic and sad but also bringing me back to the feelings I had there, which is just what I need. I NEED to feel those feelings. I’ve started to feel that it’s as essential as breathing is to me. I have been feeling afraid lately that I’m getting quickly sucked right back in to my American life, and while that’s good on some levels, I don’t want it.

You know that thing about square pegs? Well, it really is difficult to fit a square peg into a round hole…yet that is precisely what I feel I am trying to do by attempting to incorporate this Italian way of being into life here in America. We are just so much more structured and rigid here! It’s how it works, and going against the grain just makes one seem like an irresponsible person through typical American eyes.

I did have a revelation the other day, though. It’s very simple; it just relates to a bike ride. I am typically a bit “rigid” with my bike rides. By that I mean it is my form of exercise, which makes it something that I like to push myself at physically, in order to reap the rewards of physical exertion AND the mental clarity that comes with it. I have a hard time looking at biking as anything else, so when I started going on some more leisurely rides with new friends who are new to road biking, it was a bit of a mental struggle. It took some doing to wrap my mind around this concept of taking hours to do mileage that I could complete in one single hour. Stopping along the way, taking in a view, sitting in the park watching a tiny turtle float in the pond. It’s weird that it’s more difficult for me to consider being this way at home, yet it’s what I did in Italy. I don’t know if it’s about cultural acceptance, or just some crazy wiring in my brain. Whatever it is, the moral of the story is that it was beneficial for me to recognize the value in slowing down, literally.

So when I say to myself: I want to feel what I felt in Rome. Why can’t I feel that way here? I have to take myself back to this concept of the leisurely bike ride. It doesn’t mean I don’t still fantasize about being back there; it only means that I can try to incorporate a little bit of a different way of thinking, because it’s just a healthy thing for me to do.

I can hear it now: all the advice I’ll receive that now tells me It wasn’t Rome; you can just live that way here and everything will be hunky-dory. You’re just being so dramatic, Audrey. You’re just never satisfied, Audrey. Before anyone considers shelling out any advice remotely resembling this, please refrain and understand…there is much more to it than this. Rome and Italy have a lot more to love than their pace. That is, I guess, if you’re one of the lovers, rather than loathers, of Rome.

I will apologize because I’m sure all this Rome talk is getting boring for everyone…well, except for you, Jaime (and me of course). But unfortunately it’s what I have to write about at this juncture in my life. As I quoted in the beginning of this entry, “Rome has this effect on some people, it just draws you in and never lets you go.” Indeed it does, and clearly I am one of those people.