Fill Me Up

I have recently identified this feeling I’ve been having: a sort of emptiness. It may seem odd, but I’ve discovered that too much time with people, too much socializing, too much having fun to be quite frank – leads me to a feeling of emptiness. Drained. Wrung out. Sucked dry. Viscerally parched. It has caused me to lose sight of myself. I apparently require a lot of introspective solitude, and without it, I don’t even know who I am or where I am going.

I decided that I desperately needed to do something about it, so I dedicated this weekend to myself, and to making myself useful. I’ve been feeling the need to do something useful with myself and with my time. So Friday morning, the first day of school, I got up well before dawn to meet Nancy Hiss and help her draw names on a Portland sidewalk, something she has been doing for well over a year now. Nancy started her Iraq Names Project on Memorial Day of 2007, and has been at it ever since. She draws the names of those who have died in Iraq, in the chronological order of their peril. She is using her artistic skills as her vehicle to peacefully bring awareness to the astronomical number of deaths, and most importantly, to honor each individual and recognize that behind each death is a human being with a name. She has drawn over 4000 names and covered a continuous line of over 14 miles of Portland sidewalks. Once again, I am humbled by the dedication, devotion, and heart a person has put into a project that means something to her. And it made me feel just a little more useful to help.

After helping Nancy, I went straight to a full day of school (where she is my teacher!), and then straight to my family’s cabin in the woods, by myself. I had never been there by myself but it was the one place I could think of that would allow me to be away from people completely. And so I went…with the intention of having no communication with anyone for a couple days. I needed to shut out the noise in my head, because with quiet comes clarity. When I first arrived, I had to fully fight the urge to call someone, anyone. I wasn’t sure what the heck I was going to do – no internet, no tv (i.e. no distractions), no connectivity whatsoever, other than my trusty cell phone. Fortunately, I got over it. It was only the first night that was difficult; after that it was smooth sailing.

I took a solo bike ride around Crater Lake, something I try to do every year, but again, I’d never done it alone. When I arrived, I was disappointed to see some fires burning in the area, causing the lake to look all hazy and much less vivid than it typically is. Once again I found irony in the metaphor: I come here to seek clarity and clear the haze from my head and what do I find but more haze?! But of course…during my ride, the haze cleared – both in my head and around the lake. This ride gave me a run for my money – it’s pretty brutal; it is a constant shift between long, arduous climbs, and downhill screamers. It requires non-stop flipping between crawling up and bombing down (i.e. pain/suffering and adrenaline/elation). I thought I was going to die toward the end, but convinced myself it was only physical pain and I could handle it. I did end up speaking to a few people but they were strangers and the exchanges were brief, so I’m not counting this as cheating on my non-communication weekend! I was happy as hell to have finished, and to have just narrowly avoided the “FALLING ROCK” that I’ve seen all over the road and warned about on signage…but never actually seen falling until I literally barely escaped being hit with it! Talk about wake up call…I could have been maimed (or worse)!!

The remainder of my weekend was spent reading and doing homework, and I am happy to report that I feel full again…hydrated, rather than parched.

Last Days of Summer...

As the official last day of summer drew to a close (more like a screeching halt with torrential downpours…yes, I mean that literally and figuratively), I could not help reflecting on what a crazy summer it has been for me. I also couldn’t help struggling with whether the end of a season should be seen as a conclusion, or instead a fresh, new beginning. It has been a summer of reflection – there is no doubt about that. I’ve made new friends, new enemies, and through this process, become better acquainted with myself. I guess because I’m such a reflective person in general, it is difficult for me not to get caught up in the (sometimes dangerous) swirling sea of self-examination. I have come to realize that simply by nature of being me, I incite major responses from people. Sometimes they are incredibly good and profoundly rewarding; other times they are incredibly upsetting and throw in my face the ultimate challenge of avoiding self-deprecation. So far I think I’ve won the battle, but there have been moments…

…moments when I’ve felt the need to flee, to withdraw from human contact in general. Then I have to remind myself that this is what the old Audrey would have done…oh yeah, I’m supposed to be behaving like the new and improved Audrey. I feel like I have been saddled with the exhausting task of constantly needing to explain or justify myself to someone…at times to the point where I feel that I have to justify my existence. It is exhausting, emotionally and physically. It throws me into a tailspin that at times feels like it will send me catapulting across the universe, losing limbs along the way. I generally come out of this storm on top – accepting the fact that I don’t need to justify myself to anyone. Accepting the fact that what others project upon me is a reflection of their own reality - not mine. This is what I truly believe; however, it is at times a difficult concept to remember and the process of coming back around to this belief is never an easy or comfortable one. I guess life’s not supposed to be comfortable; what fun would that be?

Fortunately I've come to believe that acceptance of self is the most important thing for me. I’m not like everyone else, and therefore I am not liked by everyone else. So my challenge lies in reminding myself that…and knowing that there is no one I have to live with other than me. I cannot escape myself so as long as I live with integrity and self-respect, all will be right in my world…somehow, some way.

Ask and you shall receive...

I’ll just cut to the chase. No dawdling through this entry to get to the meat of it. Yesterday I got some really good news. I’ve secured an internship with Portland Spaces Magazine. It is a requirement of my Interior Design program that I complete an internship for school credit. I’ve been struggling for a while now, unsure of where to pursue said internship, as I don’t really have any interest in the typical opportunities of playing receptionist or organizing the materials library for some XYZ or BSS architecture/design firm.

Experience is experience, but I wanted an experience that spoke to me. And so I asked. I asked if it was possible for me to do something atypical for my internship credits, and I received a yes. Given that I am not a journalism student, this is actually an amazing opportunity for me to enter the world of writing as a possible career. I am proud to say that I had to submit writing samples and go through an interview process in order to get the position…and I could be considered the underdog, given that journalism has not been my educational focus. I don’t know exactly where this will lead, but I do know that this is step one in a direction that I want to go. Moral of the story (‘cause you know I like these): ask for what you want and pursue it with passion. That’s how I roll.

Fresh. Seasonal. Local.

I had an experience in Seattle this last weekend that reminded me of being in Italy, and for that I am enormously grateful. I visited my aunt, who always provides good food, good wine, and good company. My kind of girl! One evening we went to a little dinner party with some friends of hers and I have to say that it was quite an impactful experience. The company was great. Their welcoming nature harked back to the Italian spirit that I miss so intensely.

I take the stance in life that every single encounter I have, whether seemingly insignificant or not, comes my way for a reason…for a purpose. (Now, sometimes that purpose is easier to spot than others!) With these people, I didn’t have to dig very deep to find purpose. Conversation topics ranged from political to environmental to travel experiences to food and wine to swamis and yoga/meditation retreats to public transportation and urban planning to learning how not to scrunch up (technical term, I know) one’s forehead. All these topics struck a chord with me. It was super cool.

And to top it off, I ate one of the most delicious meals I’ve ever had. It also brought me back to Italy. Fresh and simple is all it takes for amazing food (well, an amazing cook doesn’t hurt, and we had that too). We ate a meal that, sans wine, was composed entirely of food that was either caught or grown by someone at the table. Fresh, seasonal, local. It’s what makes Italian food so good, and it’s what made this meal so good. We ate some fabulous salmon that had been caught mere hours before it entered our mouths, and an abundance of beautiful vegetables from the gardens of some really talented people. I sat at this dinner table and had to say, “I’m sorry but I can’t describe how good this is without using the F-word.” To which I received a resounding, “Oh don’t worry, you can use the F-word at this table!” This is when I knew for certain they were my kind of people!!!