Last Days of Summer...

As the official last day of summer drew to a close (more like a screeching halt with torrential downpours…yes, I mean that literally and figuratively), I could not help reflecting on what a crazy summer it has been for me. I also couldn’t help struggling with whether the end of a season should be seen as a conclusion, or instead a fresh, new beginning. It has been a summer of reflection – there is no doubt about that. I’ve made new friends, new enemies, and through this process, become better acquainted with myself. I guess because I’m such a reflective person in general, it is difficult for me not to get caught up in the (sometimes dangerous) swirling sea of self-examination. I have come to realize that simply by nature of being me, I incite major responses from people. Sometimes they are incredibly good and profoundly rewarding; other times they are incredibly upsetting and throw in my face the ultimate challenge of avoiding self-deprecation. So far I think I’ve won the battle, but there have been moments…

…moments when I’ve felt the need to flee, to withdraw from human contact in general. Then I have to remind myself that this is what the old Audrey would have done…oh yeah, I’m supposed to be behaving like the new and improved Audrey. I feel like I have been saddled with the exhausting task of constantly needing to explain or justify myself to someone…at times to the point where I feel that I have to justify my existence. It is exhausting, emotionally and physically. It throws me into a tailspin that at times feels like it will send me catapulting across the universe, losing limbs along the way. I generally come out of this storm on top – accepting the fact that I don’t need to justify myself to anyone. Accepting the fact that what others project upon me is a reflection of their own reality - not mine. This is what I truly believe; however, it is at times a difficult concept to remember and the process of coming back around to this belief is never an easy or comfortable one. I guess life’s not supposed to be comfortable; what fun would that be?

Fortunately I've come to believe that acceptance of self is the most important thing for me. I’m not like everyone else, and therefore I am not liked by everyone else. So my challenge lies in reminding myself that…and knowing that there is no one I have to live with other than me. I cannot escape myself so as long as I live with integrity and self-respect, all will be right in my world…somehow, some way.