Struggle of a Bug

An insect just taught me (or reminded me) something about life. I was taking a little mental break, staring out the window, and I watched this bug literally beating its head against the wall. All it wanted was to get outside, to feel its freedom, to fly away. But it had its body literally plastered up against the window pane—seeing its goal, almost tasting the freedom—yet just banging up against the glass…and getting nowhere. I observed as its movements became quicker, sharper, more frantic. I thought to myself: If only you would step back a little, you’re so close to freedom. You’d see it if you just stepped back a little and quit banging up against the window pane. It’s obviously not working…so why do you keep trying? Try something different, and maybe you’ll find the solution.

Finally, the insect was successful. It slipped down past the pane it had been fighting against, just slightly enough to find the actual opening…and from there it flew, flew, flew away. I only wish my process could go as quickly as the mere fraction of a minute it took this insect to get over its struggle. But maybe in the relative lifespan of an insect, that struggle was appropriately proportional?

I guess the deal is…life is full of struggles, whether you’re an insect or a human. Just when we think we’re done struggling, life comes roaring back. And sometimes being so close to something we’re fighting against essentially makes it impossible to find the solution. We can’t see the forest for the trees, so to speak.

I have spent the last several weeks fighting a fierce battle with my own worst enemy: myself. There is something about being so close to something that makes me feel so far from it. There is something about nearing the end of a long, hard journey that makes me want to turn around and run in the other direction. Give up. Quit. It sucks, royally. I've had to come to terms with the fact that (in so many ways) I seem to have to allow myself to sink into the deep, dark depths of self-loathing and feeling worthless before I can finally get my shit together, so to speak. I am no good without struggle. There is no good in me that comes from anything other than bad. I guess it’s a yin and yang sort of thing…