The Italian Experiment

For some reason I’ve been asked by multiple people how I felt walking into my apartment after returning from Italy. Oh yeah, I suppose it’s because I’ve expressed discomfort and a bit of disdain for the fact that I like where I live! I’ve said this before: too much comfort makes me very uncomfortable. My desire to be unattached, ungrounded, free to fly, free to flee, has left me feeling that any attachment to place or space is simply wrong for me. Most people I talk to about this have a very difficult time understanding, or at least relating. All I know is that in recent months, I had begun to feel a slight emotional attachment to my home, and I didn’t like it. It made me feel weighted, limited in my choices, and less free. If I chose to take off, I wanted to be able to walk away feeling that I was leaving nothing behind.

And so I went to Italy. In some ways, it was an experiment. I didn’t know what to expect—how I would feel about this place that occupied so much magic and madness in my heart.

Well, the experiment ended with slightly surprising results. Not surprising is that Italy is still full and magic and madness for me. And it’s not that the magic outweighs the madness, or vice versa, but actually the madness is part of what creates the magic. I’ve definitely confirmed that I need a bit of madness in my life. Too much magic is simply…well…boring. And I’m easily bored. What was surprising about this experiment is that I found myself in Italy, at times, thinking fondly about home. I didn’t plan on this; I left Portland feeling like I wanted to get the hell out, even if only temporarily. I considered that perhaps my trip to Italy was going to be one of scouting—to see if I possibly wanted to make a move there.

Again, the results were surprising. I decided that Italy—Rome in particular—is a sacred place for me, and in order to keep it sacred I can’t make it my home. Reality has a way of quashing magic, and so for now, I prefer to keep my reality in Portland and my magic in Rome. That’s right—for now—because for me, everything is for now.

And in case you’re wondering…when I walked into my apartment for the first time…I liked it, and I was happy.